Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
