Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
