So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
