Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
