if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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