I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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