The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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