i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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