I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
