i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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