I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I came so hard my ears popped.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
