So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
