i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
