Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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