I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
