I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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