There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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