haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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