Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
