Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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