As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
