Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
no you cant smoke seaweed
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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