dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
