mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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