remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
