last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
