I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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