I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
