I want to walk on stilts...naked
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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