The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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