so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
