Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
