I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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