Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
