She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
