Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
