he wants to bone in the snuggie
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
