please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
