so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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