First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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