just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
