my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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