I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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