just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
