Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
