It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
