Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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