I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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