OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
