If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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