Umm I'm too high to move.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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