We won't sleep together?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
