I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
