Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
