i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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