I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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