The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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