Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize