a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
